Protecting Your Heart

I always thought I was a strong woman.  In many ways I know I am but this weekend I learned just how weak the heart can be.  I was home sick on Friday when I got a call from my agency that they received the file of a baby they thought I would be interested in.  After hearing a little I said I would love to see her file.  Being that she is part of the new shared program I would have 48 hours to make a decision at the same time knowing the risks of this particular program.  I have scoured pictures, I have lived this for 2 1/2 years and I have had the opportunity to review other files.  Yes they were cute children, easy special needs and I said no.  Words cannot explain the feeling I had when I saw this child and read her file.  She is the most beautiful little girl in the world and I had this sudden urge to want to protect her.  It's not love, it's not anything other than what I imagine a parent feels upon the birth of a child.  I finally get it.  I lucked out that on Friday at 2pm I was able to get the doctor of choice to review her record expeditiously.  I was given a 24-hour window which would leave me with enough time to do what was necessary.  Did I mention she is beautiful?  I spoke to a dear friend, called mom and began to sob as I read her finding information.  I felt this was my daughter and I still do.  So in the midst of all this, I haven't seen MP for three weeks and am due to issue a midterm Saturday and it's not written.  I barely slept and as I was getting ready for class Saturday the  phone rang and it was the doctor.  What an amazing man who not only took an hour to speak with me but had consulted a colleague more knowledgeable in the area of her special need.  Like me, he felt her initial records were great and more than China usually gives but there was a gap like most.  The photos were from 4 and 5 months of age and no report since age 14 months which left unanswered questions.  My agency has been great and this is my first real experience with them.  I could not have felt I was in better hands but remember it's Friday afternoon.  The decision was to try and "re-lock" her file in after the 48 hours and try and get updated medical information.  The SN coordinator was kind enough to check her email over the weekend and check in with me.  My agency has 100 kids on their SN list, this is not an easy job when agencies are experiencing loss of revenue.  I am so grateful for the decisions I made when I began the process and was reminded of this through this experience.  Do I still feel this is my child, absolutely yes but I feel we both deserve a full chance at the best life possible.  Without tooting my own horn, I am an expert in special needs.  I do this every day and do it well.  I am a barracuda, I kick ass and I don't take no for an answer where someone is denied a quality life.  In the same token I want to be a parent, not necessarily a crusader though I would probably be content to be both.  I know I have what it takes to love this child but am petrified that my one chance at parenthood is dependent on this decision.  I have prayed, I have cried and I have sought the advice of the people best able to advise.  I have the love of my mother, my friends and I know they support me unconditionally.  So I have left it to fate.  If by chance I am meant to be this child's mother perhaps her file will be available for another 48 hours.  If the gods are truly on my side I will get something more recent medically; a photo, a video, a note...something to make me believe.  I never expected this to be so difficult and if this was the regular program I would, like the others sign on the dotted line, thank China for the honor of adopting one of their children and shop til I drop.  The signs have been extraordinary.  Her first photo was my father's birthday and the second the date of my beloved stepfather's death.  Her Chinese name is one I just thought of last week as  middle name for it is beautiful.  My soon to be 86 year-old nana recovered dead tulips from the garden where she volunteers.  She was told they would never bloom and not to waste her time.  Yesterday she woke to three fiery red tulips; one representing the three generations of women so she says.  She comes from an orphanage where families are very involved and these same people have offered their ears, their kindness and their attempt to locate a photo of her in their respective travels.  I am in awe of the kindness of strangers and not in the wacky APC kind of way.  People who have pissed me off in the past have offered their warmth and good wishes.  It takes a lot to make me speechless but I truly am; at least in verbal form  ;-)  So if you believe in miracles or the power or prayer, I welcome it all.

Speak English Please!

So for those English teachers; red pen toting folks, allow me to explain.  Yes it is not grammatically correct to say YOU and ME in this sense but I could not have gotten THERE without addressing HERE.  So it is in fact Me and You and not vice verse.  Saying it in reverse would just mess up the whole concept.  So please put your red pens down.  

Thank you,

The Management

The Debut

Yes I am back with a new name, a new look and a new attitude (sort of).  The former name really just discussed how I felt during the big picture of adoption and I have to admit that two and a half years later, my life is not about adoption at all.  It's about finding myself, finding others and taking me down a path to self-discovery.  So what have I lost you ask?  Well a little anger and bitterness (but not enough) from life's unpleasantness's, a crappy unfit friend, a few pounds and a desire to conform.  What I've found cannot be categorized in mere words but one thought which comes to mind is friendship.  I've met a lot of people through the process, lost a few and came out stronger than ever.  Those few people who have truly had the capacity to touch my heart know who they are and need not be called out.  I will say that I never expected to find true love or the gift of a the closest thing to a sister I've ever known.  I've come to learn that you find the most strength in the oddest places and the best gifts in life are the ones not expected.  You worry about those closest to you and then you worry about yourself.  It's only when you change the order that you really start living.

So with that said, welcome back!

Washington D.C. or How to Celebrate a Year in Love

MP and I thought it would be nice to do something special to celebrate our first year together.  He was kind enough to humor me for a weekend in DC.  Other than a brief business trip I had not been there as a tourist since childhood so it was a chance to return, show respect for the rich history which makes up the US and pay my respects for those honored for their service.  We stayed at a Hyatt Regency in Fairfax which is a great hotel that we have enjoyed immensely.  I can say we walked several miles just trying to squeeze in the basic sights.  Part of considering the culture and heritage of my future child, I had a deep feeling within me to explore what is easily accessible for me and to serve as a reminder as to how lucky, we the people of the United States are and how blessed we are to have our freedoms.  With each and every opportunity I thanked the service men and women I came in contact with.  I don't agree with the war but I support those out there fighting it.

...and now it is 2008

It's been a long time since I sat down to post anything for I really haven't had much to say. What better to do than catch up on this miserable winter day.  So where did I leave off? Summer 2007 I think.  It was a nice summer and fall for sure.  

MP (man person) and I went on our first vacation together and chose Nashville and Memphis, Tennessee.  I've always wanted to see the Opry and it was an awesome trip.  We had a great time and got to enjoy a lot of sights during the week. 

The holidays came and went and I had my annual holiday party in January this year due to the flu in December.  Last month I went to Barbados for a week with my father and his family and I must say it was quite a beautiful island.  I'd definitely go back but next time with friends or someone special.

I finally revealed to my secret pal that I knew who she was all along and was glad she wasn't mad at me  :-)  It's been a great experience and I have been the very lucky recipient of beautiful gifts and a new friend to boot. Speaking of friends, I went to visit Nic, Tim and baby Z for a weekend in September which was awesome.  Okay so my timeline here is a little backwards.

I wish I had more exciting news to report but my life is pretty quiet.  MP and I will celebrate one year together this weekend which is kind of nice.  He's a great man and has been a wonderful addition to my life.  I definitely feel he's a keeper.  Think I should let him in on the secret?  We're going away for the weekend to celebrate which should be fun.  Until next time, a few pics.

And Now It Is August

I realize I've been so bad keeping up this blog. When I started it, I was excited, enthusiastic and just about ga-ga with excitement at the prospect of becoming a mother through adoption. Almost two years later (I started the process in October 2005) I am nothing of the sort. Home nursing a sore back today I decided to brave the living room and attempt to walk in the walk-in. No such luck! There is more baby crap in there than I can possibly count. I will say I have tons of practical stuff like utensils, food containers and the like. I can't even remember where the hard totes are that hold clothes and stuff. Remember I live in a one-bedroom apartment so basically I have all this baby stuff and no room for an actual child. Is there anyone who'd like to adopt me? I did get a little nostalgic while going through the stuff remembering who sent what. Of course if you've read me post or 2 about my secret pal, SHE is the reason I have no room. That's okay, somehow I will forgive her insane generosity and amazing taste. Moving right along...In June I took my mom to Las Vegas for a few days which was nice. We stayed at MGM Grand and never had to leave. The pools and lazy river were awesome, the restaurants were plentiful in their choices and all in all a good time was had. My father recently turned 65 and threw himself a party which was very nice. He and I also spent a day together at the Jersey Shore which I hadn't done since I was a teenager. On this particular day I saw a ladybug who had joined me on the outdoor shower. I'm normally not into the whole "ladybug" thing but it was a bittersweet reminder that I'm still here and China is still waiting. Otherwise it's been a nice summer filled with lots of weekend getaways with MP. This weekend we went to Baltimore where we spent some time at the Inner Harbor (98 and humid) before walking over to Camden Yards for an Orioles/Twins game. I've attached some photos so you can remember what I look like.

PRICELESS

Having a crappy day at work $360 (more or less) Tylenol to cure the headache from the above mentioned day $6.49 Black/White cookie to soothe self after above mentioned day $1.35 Bridal shower card for the party I can't attend tomorrow b/c of my father's birthday party $4.50 Getting an AWESOME gift from my secret pal on the aforemtioned day.....PRICELESS

It's About Time

Need I say more? I FINALLY feel like some teeny tiny progress has been made. WOO HOO!!!!!

Catching Up

So MP and I had our first weekend away for Memorial Day. We went to Providence and Newport, Rhode Island and by chance didn't hit traffic either way. It was a nice time, good weather and I enjoyed the baseball game we went to on Saturday night. Here are a few pics to highlight the weekend with a few from our day spent in S. Hampton and Montauk for Cinco de Mayo.

Mean People Suck

I've decided that mean people suck and that's usually all they do. I had an interesting week filled with some bitchiness, some reality and disappointment but such is life. I left an online support group which I loved out of principle and despite the reason, it still stings. Oh well, life goes on. Along these lines, it was truly a matter of principle..I wouldn't let someone disrespect me or people close to me in real life and this was no different. I just wish it didn't matter. I guess in the end it doesn't because the people who matter most in my life are here. (sigh) I realize I've been bad with updating this blog considering there is a lot going on in my life but sometimes things just get away from you. Life is good, I can't complain. Recently I met this great young woman who works in my same field. She's stunning, bald and still laughs at life through her chemotherapy. I told her to slap on some big gold hoops and she'll be setting fashion trends for years to come. If you have to be bald, pray you have a nice shaped head (unlike my ex, who I affectionately called egg-head). Work is good and I've been doing more consulting again. I just wrote a curriculum for NYS Early Intervention on Cultural and Linguistic Diversity and it passed first review with one suggestion to add in a sentence. The woman before me got ripped apart. I felt bad for her, good for me....NO REVISIONS!!!!!!!!!!! How fabulous am I? So I sit here waiting for MP (aka man person) to arrive so we can leave on our first weekend away together. I hope I don't kill him ;-) I'm getting ready to pass the 14-month mark of waiting for fortune cookie aka Mei Ling and I estimate I'll be waiting another 10-14 months. I can't until it's my turn but right now I'm happy to celebrate with Michele and Chuck, currently in Vietnam picking up baby Benajmin and Nic and Tim will be going to Vietnam this summer to pick up baby Zubin. I'm very happy for them both. Well that's it for now.....til next time