Sunday, February 07, 2010

Snarky and Just Plain Opinionated

So there's a top 100 blogs about adoption, infertility and loss. Okay so one of the blogs deserves absolute recognition for the work they do on behalf of special needs kids in China. In fact it was started by moms of these perfect little ones. Some of the others on the list....well it's only MY opinion but, let's just move along. So the real thorn in my side you ask? The brains who created the title for this top list felt it necessary to classify adoption with infertility and loss for what reason? Seriously for many people, adoption is a gift and something to honor, celebrate and smile about. When is the last time you saw someone smiling through a miscarriage or news that they would never conceive children? This truly boggles my mind and pisses me off. Adoption is not or should not be the path of last resort if we truly stand behind the notion that adoption is about finding families for children and not the other way around. I for one chose adoption. I have no idea what my own fertility is like because as a responsible adult I have taken the necessary precautions to ensure that my personal values were preserved to the best of my ability. If I wanted to attempt to pass a watermelon though the birth canal I would have attempted such a feat. Instead I felt like I wanted to provide a forever family to a child who already existed. A true celebration which is now categorized with the horror other families suffer as people like me celebrate. Discuss

11 comments:

a Tonggu Momma said...

I don't think you are being snarky... I think you bring up a valid point. I actually helped Marcie create that list of blogs. AND my husband and I have a similar story - we are also preferential adopters. So I totally get your concerns.

Still, I understand why Marcie included infertility and loss blogs in the list. I don't think most couples are preferential adopters. In my experience, most choose adoption after experiencing infertility. I know one time I left a group of women speechless when they found out we had never tried fertility treatments - they had all tried IVF anywhere from two to seven times.

(And thanks for the shout-out to No Hands But Ours. It's a wonderful site, with a wealth of information.)

Lost and Found said...

I appreciate your comment and respect it as well. Of course I also incredibly value the NHBO" as a mom to a SN sweetie myself. To me the grouping makes the assumption particularly not in the know that adoption is not second best nor is it a course of last resort for families. I admire the players because I how hard their work means to the lives of these kids. I just wish there was a better way to convey that to readers. Glad you stopped by and please come again

Debby said...

Lisa...I thought the same thing.....I, like you, just preferred the adoption route. As far as I know...I could have a little gentic spawn..but it wassn't what I wanted...=) I also love to follow NHBO, but occassionally I take exception to things posted there too....=)
Says the Mom of 2 "SN" kiddos.....

Jill said...

I totally get you Lisa!
Heck, we chose adoption as our first choice too!
I would hate to think that those "not in the know" would think adoption was a second choice....
And not snarky....just tastefully staing your opinion :)

Anonymous said...

Lisa, this reminds me of when I received a packet of information about treatment for cleft palate from the children's hospital. They had a lot of information on coping with your grief and how to find therapists to help you cope. My first reaction was "I have grief?" It took me a few minutes to realize that a parent who has given birth to a child with a cleft would experience grief, whereas my reaction to parenting my daughter was "yah!!! I have a daughter!" But I was given a choice in the matter. When we come at the situation from such completely different viewpoints, it can be hard to get your head around the view from the other side.

Elizabeth J.

Lost and Found said...

I hear you Elizabeth and I agree. Parents who may have been expecting a child to be born w/o the birth defect (I hate that word) of CL/CP may very well be mourning the loss of the perfect child. I read a handful of the blogs on that list from all three categories because they have touched my heart. No I can't understand what pregnancy loss feels like but we've had our own losses (some of us) being solo parents. It just rubs me the wrong way about that categories all lumped together. All too often adoption is viewed as the route of last resort and as so many know this is so far from the truth. I know families who thought they were done (had bio kids) and then added to their respective broods through adoption.

Eliza2006 said...

Yes, I thought the same thing...interesting to group adoption with with other categories.

tracy said...

society is always going to consider adoption a 'second' to a 'real' family until we change their perception. adoption is a positive, loving CHOICE. infertility and loss are not choices. they are tragedies and should not be coupled with adoption.

i picked adoption. i made a conscious decision to make my forever family, and i only knew good and happiness would come from my choice.

when i think of those close to me who've been effected by infertility and loss, i become empathetic and feel sadness for them. i would hate to think anyone ever felt that way toward me because i chose adoption.

Cavatica said...

IMHO, it might be better to have the overall heading be Adoption with sub-headings, with one including infertility and loss. That is certainly a large and important group among adoptive parents and often a part of their blogs address those issues. Others who have those issues would be drawn to that, just as people are drawn to other catagories.

When I read about these top blogs, I thought they wouldn't be of interest to me because of the name, as we also came to adoption as a first choice. I happened upon it and found many other adoption types of adoption blogs and didn't understand the overall title. I think it could be better named - not to better represent me, but to better represent what it really is - a list of many popular blogs related to adoption from many perspectives (not just infertility and loss).

Kris said...

i thought the same thing too lisa. i was also shocked that there were blogs that lack any substance. they are mostly just "fun" or full of photos, and no real meat. i didn't get them being chosen.

adoption has been my first choice since i was 17. i never had the desire to conceive and have no clue if i can or not, because it's not important to me.

Erica said...

Like most the other people that commented here, I was also a little offended. How do we raise our adopted children to feel like they are our first choice if we treat them like a back-up choice?

I've known since I was 8 that I wanted to adopt. My child(ren) is my first choice and I hope they always know that, but society will continue to remind them that they are the minority of adopted children.

If we are going to talk adoption and loss, I think we should talk about the loss of a birth parent/family/culture. Isn't this supposed to be about them and not us?