RIP Nissan

Well it's official, my car has been totaled. I think we all think at one point, gee I'd love a new car and I've been among them. However this is not the way I wanted one. I am glad I am relatively okay but sad to say good-bye to the trusted car which has taken me on many journeys and always brought me home safe. I will say that while I wouldn't wish an accident on anyone, dealing with the insurance company has been a pleasant experience. They are courteous, empathetic and efficient PLUS they have that cute little "character" on TV. So farewell my silver friend, it's been one helluva ride.

6,803

I am totally blown away that 6,803 visits have been made to my blog since bringing it back to life. I actually only added the counter less than 2 weeks ago just because. WOW!!!!! I am rarely speechless but WOW. It's been a tough few days here as I mentioned in my prior post. Monday en route from job#1 to job#2 I was in a bad car accident. While the accident was not my fault per se I was the one who hit the other car. I can't tell you what a terrible feeling that is. I am grateful that the other party was not hurt and was able to drive home. I spent the night in the ER but I am relatively okay. I have the typical bruising and soreness that comes from an impact. I am waiting to hear if my car is totaled or repairable. I suspect given its age, it may bot be deemed worthy of repair and that makes me kind of sad. I love my car for it has taken me on many journeys and brought me home safe. Despite the level of "injury" it received I can't help but feel fortunate that I was able to walk away. Every fiber of my body aches but I am bored being home nonetheless and too much time to "think" is never a good thing. Add some financial/car worry to the existing life worry and LOI worry and you have one nervous nelly on your hands. Thankfully I have never been in a real accident before and hope this was a one time rare exception. Everyone who helped (the other car, the police officer, the ER, the insurance company, etc) has been so great that it has made it a little easier. To those of you who have emailed or called to check on me, thank you from the bottom of my (bruised) heart. Did I mention 6.803 hits?

In an Instant

One minute the birds are singing, spring is in the air and the next you're sitting on the side of the road watching the antifreeze and oil drain out of your car, as it smokes and sheds its glass,metal and fiberglass all over the road. I've never really been in an accident until last night. My poor car is a wreck, not drivable and well a wreck. I don't even know if it can be fixed. I watched them tow my baby with his insides trailing down the road. Yes I am one of those strange people who names her cars. So three cars; one BITCH who was the cause; the one who never stopped. My airbag never deployed which is probably better but it is SUPPOSED to deploy. I need to call the manufacturer for sure. So after 6 hours in the ER (reduced since I work there), one badly bruised chest, sprained back with a little blood in the urine for good measure I filled my happy pills and came home to do the percoset shuffle. The first thing I thought was "thank god there was no child in the car". I am lucky, it could have been worse though the notion of expenses related to this now when I need every cent is hard to fathom. I have friends, I have family....I am one lucky girl. Some have recently heard me (hello SAC) comment that the value of my job had recently increased with the acceptance of referral. Well make that a double after last night. Most call their loved ones when they are in an accident, I called my boss to see if he could "call ahead" and let the ER know I was en route. After all he is a big shot. That was around 6pm so he may have left for the day. At 8pm who do I see frantically looking for me in the ER but the aforementioned boss. He walked over (like 5 blocks), he was worried, he was looking for me and wanted to try and get me seen faster. He told me to stay home today and rest (he never takes sick time...he's one of THOSE) I really am a lucky girl in so many ways. Now hopefully "Alvin" will be as lucky as me.

A Girl and Her Sign

I learned that peanut and I share the same zodiac sign.  We were both born in the year of the dog.  Is this another sign; perhaps so but it's another similarity for us to share.  We will have enough differences that anything that joins us is worth celebrating and honoring.  I wonder if Lisa knew something I didn't. One of my first and favorite secret pal gifts was a sterling silver character pendant which signifies "the year of the dog".  I wear it often and immediately its value has doubled.

1922,  1934,   1946,  1958,  1970,  1982,  1994,  2006

THE YEAR OF THE DOG

People born in the year of the dog possess the best traits of human nature.  They have a deep sense of loyalty, are honest and inspire other people's confidence because they  know how to keep secrets.  But dog people are somewhat selfish, terribly stubborn and eccentric.  They care little about wealthy yet always seem to have money.  They can be cold emotionally and sometimes distant at parties.  They can find fault with many things and are  noted for their sharp tongues.  Dog people make god leaders.  They are compatible with those born in the years of the Horse, Tiger and Rabbit.

The Pink Giraffe

****UPDATE 

I have very few baby pictures of myself and with four exceptions the ones I do were my grandmother's "seconds".  I had this odd feeling tonight and looked and I found a picture of me in my crib at approximately three months with the aforementioned giraffe.  I found others not as clear.  Apparently "he" traveled with me.  Is this another kooky sign?

I went to a big  baby store to look around and really wanted to just buy a little something to solidify my decision.  This is what I came up with.  It's really soft and just the right size for a toddler.  I started sleeping with it and will send in a care package after I get PA.  It was a little bittersweet when I called mom to tell her.  She told me I had a similar giraffe in my crib when I was a baby and apparently was a favorite companion of mine.

So on another note, the experience so far has been great. People have been incredibly supportive and I have even had the chance to correspond with a fellow AP from my agency who did her LOI at the same time as me for a beautiful little girl the same age.  This is especially nice since I only really connected with a few people from my agency as most live closer to there than here.

I am still playing the name game and hope to make a decision once I see an updated photo.  I can't imagine what she looks like now.  Think good thoughts!

What a Difference a Day Makes

Today I proudly accepted the referral of who I affectionately call "peanut".  I don't know exactly how it happened; when, why or how but somewhere, somehow it was decided for me.  Yesterday I decided to leave it to fate in that if it was meant to be it would be.  I knew her file was to be unlocked yesterday at 11:12am and there was a good chance today would be gone; gone to another wanting to build a family through adoption.  I got ready for work and drove in silence knowing I wanted to make her mine.  I got to work and there was email telling me her file had been re-locked until noon tomorrow.  I made the decision right then, right there that I wanted to be this little girl's mother; for better, for worse, for eternity.  So I submitted my LOI, Family Treatment Plan and bad-ass, mug-shot passport photo and off I go.  Now we wait.

Protecting Your Heart

I always thought I was a strong woman.  In many ways I know I am but this weekend I learned just how weak the heart can be.  I was home sick on Friday when I got a call from my agency that they received the file of a baby they thought I would be interested in.  After hearing a little I said I would love to see her file.  Being that she is part of the new shared program I would have 48 hours to make a decision at the same time knowing the risks of this particular program.  I have scoured pictures, I have lived this for 2 1/2 years and I have had the opportunity to review other files.  Yes they were cute children, easy special needs and I said no.  Words cannot explain the feeling I had when I saw this child and read her file.  She is the most beautiful little girl in the world and I had this sudden urge to want to protect her.  It's not love, it's not anything other than what I imagine a parent feels upon the birth of a child.  I finally get it.  I lucked out that on Friday at 2pm I was able to get the doctor of choice to review her record expeditiously.  I was given a 24-hour window which would leave me with enough time to do what was necessary.  Did I mention she is beautiful?  I spoke to a dear friend, called mom and began to sob as I read her finding information.  I felt this was my daughter and I still do.  So in the midst of all this, I haven't seen MP for three weeks and am due to issue a midterm Saturday and it's not written.  I barely slept and as I was getting ready for class Saturday the  phone rang and it was the doctor.  What an amazing man who not only took an hour to speak with me but had consulted a colleague more knowledgeable in the area of her special need.  Like me, he felt her initial records were great and more than China usually gives but there was a gap like most.  The photos were from 4 and 5 months of age and no report since age 14 months which left unanswered questions.  My agency has been great and this is my first real experience with them.  I could not have felt I was in better hands but remember it's Friday afternoon.  The decision was to try and "re-lock" her file in after the 48 hours and try and get updated medical information.  The SN coordinator was kind enough to check her email over the weekend and check in with me.  My agency has 100 kids on their SN list, this is not an easy job when agencies are experiencing loss of revenue.  I am so grateful for the decisions I made when I began the process and was reminded of this through this experience.  Do I still feel this is my child, absolutely yes but I feel we both deserve a full chance at the best life possible.  Without tooting my own horn, I am an expert in special needs.  I do this every day and do it well.  I am a barracuda, I kick ass and I don't take no for an answer where someone is denied a quality life.  In the same token I want to be a parent, not necessarily a crusader though I would probably be content to be both.  I know I have what it takes to love this child but am petrified that my one chance at parenthood is dependent on this decision.  I have prayed, I have cried and I have sought the advice of the people best able to advise.  I have the love of my mother, my friends and I know they support me unconditionally.  So I have left it to fate.  If by chance I am meant to be this child's mother perhaps her file will be available for another 48 hours.  If the gods are truly on my side I will get something more recent medically; a photo, a video, a note...something to make me believe.  I never expected this to be so difficult and if this was the regular program I would, like the others sign on the dotted line, thank China for the honor of adopting one of their children and shop til I drop.  The signs have been extraordinary.  Her first photo was my father's birthday and the second the date of my beloved stepfather's death.  Her Chinese name is one I just thought of last week as  middle name for it is beautiful.  My soon to be 86 year-old nana recovered dead tulips from the garden where she volunteers.  She was told they would never bloom and not to waste her time.  Yesterday she woke to three fiery red tulips; one representing the three generations of women so she says.  She comes from an orphanage where families are very involved and these same people have offered their ears, their kindness and their attempt to locate a photo of her in their respective travels.  I am in awe of the kindness of strangers and not in the wacky APC kind of way.  People who have pissed me off in the past have offered their warmth and good wishes.  It takes a lot to make me speechless but I truly am; at least in verbal form  ;-)  So if you believe in miracles or the power or prayer, I welcome it all.

Speak English Please!

So for those English teachers; red pen toting folks, allow me to explain.  Yes it is not grammatically correct to say YOU and ME in this sense but I could not have gotten THERE without addressing HERE.  So it is in fact Me and You and not vice verse.  Saying it in reverse would just mess up the whole concept.  So please put your red pens down.  

Thank you,

The Management

The Debut

Yes I am back with a new name, a new look and a new attitude (sort of).  The former name really just discussed how I felt during the big picture of adoption and I have to admit that two and a half years later, my life is not about adoption at all.  It's about finding myself, finding others and taking me down a path to self-discovery.  So what have I lost you ask?  Well a little anger and bitterness (but not enough) from life's unpleasantness's, a crappy unfit friend, a few pounds and a desire to conform.  What I've found cannot be categorized in mere words but one thought which comes to mind is friendship.  I've met a lot of people through the process, lost a few and came out stronger than ever.  Those few people who have truly had the capacity to touch my heart know who they are and need not be called out.  I will say that I never expected to find true love or the gift of a the closest thing to a sister I've ever known.  I've come to learn that you find the most strength in the oddest places and the best gifts in life are the ones not expected.  You worry about those closest to you and then you worry about yourself.  It's only when you change the order that you really start living.

So with that said, welcome back!

Washington D.C. or How to Celebrate a Year in Love

MP and I thought it would be nice to do something special to celebrate our first year together.  He was kind enough to humor me for a weekend in DC.  Other than a brief business trip I had not been there as a tourist since childhood so it was a chance to return, show respect for the rich history which makes up the US and pay my respects for those honored for their service.  We stayed at a Hyatt Regency in Fairfax which is a great hotel that we have enjoyed immensely.  I can say we walked several miles just trying to squeeze in the basic sights.  Part of considering the culture and heritage of my future child, I had a deep feeling within me to explore what is easily accessible for me and to serve as a reminder as to how lucky, we the people of the United States are and how blessed we are to have our freedoms.  With each and every opportunity I thanked the service men and women I came in contact with.  I don't agree with the war but I support those out there fighting it.